Recognising coercive control

What is coercive control?

Coercive control describes a pattern of controlling, threatening or degrading behaviour that slowly takes away your freedom and sense of self. Each incident on its own might seem small or easy to explain away. Together, they form a web that leaves you feeling trapped, anxious and dependent.

It is a recognised form of domestic abuse, and in some countries — including England and Wales, Scotland, Ireland and parts of Australia and the US — it is a criminal offence in itself. Whether or not it is a crime where you live, it is abuse, and it is never your fault.

Common signs of coercive control

Every relationship is different, but many women describe similar patterns. A partner who uses coercive control might:

• Isolate you from friends, family or work, or make seeing them so difficult that you stop.
• Monitor your phone, messages, location or social media, or demand your passwords.
• Control money — giving you an 'allowance', taking your wages, running up debt in your name or stopping you from working.
• Criticise, mock or humiliate you, in private or in front of others.
• Make rules about what you wear, eat, where you go or who you speak to.
• Threaten to hurt you, themselves, your children or pets, or to share private images.
• Use the children against you or threaten to take them away.
• Pressure or force you into sex.

Gaslighting and why it feels so confusing

Many women living with coercive control say the hardest part is doubting their own mind. Gaslighting means making you question your memory or perception — 'that never happened', 'you're too sensitive', 'you're imagining things'.

Controlling partners are often charming in public and loving between bad episodes. Those good times are real, which is why it can feel impossible to name what is happening. You might find yourself apologising constantly, rehearsing conversations, or hiding things to avoid an outburst. These are signs of living under control, not signs that you are the problem.

Questions to ask yourself

If you are unsure, it can help to reflect quietly on questions like these:

• Do I feel afraid of my partner's reaction, or walk on eggshells?
• Have I stopped seeing people I care about?
• Do I have access to my own money, phone and documents?
• Do I change what I wear or say to avoid trouble?
• Do I feel like I've lost who I used to be?

Answering yes to some of these doesn't require you to decide anything today. It may simply mean you deserve to talk it through with someone trained to help.

Getting support safely

Specialist domestic-abuse services understand coercive control and won't tell you what to do. They can listen, help you understand what's happening, and work with you on a safety plan — whether you want to stay, leave or aren't sure yet.

If you are thinking about leaving, please know that the period around separation can be the most dangerous time, because a controlling partner may escalate when they feel they are losing control. Planning with a specialist service makes a real difference.

TrustFem's /help page lists domestic-abuse hotlines by country. If your devices might be checked, use a phone or computer they can't access, use the Quick Exit button (press Esc twice) on this site, and clear your browsing history if it's safe to do so.

Keeping a record

Some women find it helpful to keep a private record of incidents — dates, what was said or done, and anyone who witnessed it. This can help you see the pattern clearly and may be useful later if you seek a protective order or report to police.

Only do this if it is safe. Store notes somewhere your partner can't reach, such as an email account they don't know about or with a trusted friend. A specialist advisor can help you think about the safest way to document.